Posts tagged steve jobs

If there is one thing that the evil corporation Microsoft is known for, it’s stealing the intellectual properties of others. First they stole the desktop computer from Apple, then they stole everything good about OS X and used it in whatever the current version of Windows is. And now this, their latest travesty.

A greasy Microsoft PR representative had the audacity to announce this week that the company will soon be releasing a plastic figurine of their “founder,” Bill Gates. This announcement comes in the wake of the passing of Steve Jobs and the recent announcement of his unauthorized figurine, bringing the already disreputable Microsoft to a new low of tastelessness and blatant disrespect.

At the risk of editorializing, we here at Apple Inquisition hope that the disgusting actions of Microsoft - which may be hate crimes - do not go unnoticed by the general public any longer. Furthermore, we long for the day when we can live free of the constant threat of a violent takeover by Microsoft’s regime, which would be like the novel 1984 combined with Stalin.

Stay tuned to Apple Inquisition for all of your tech CEO figurine news!

Full disclosure: Microsoft is suspected by some to be a terrorist organization. - Editor

When Apple’s CEO and figurehead, Steve Jobs passed away this year, many feared that Apple would be left adrift without their creative leader. It is well known that Jobs himself had a firsthand role in the development of Apple’s most successful products.

“We honestly have just been sitting around for months with no idea what to do.” said Apple’s Senior VP of Industrial Design, Jony Ive this week. “But then I read the Steve Jobs biography, and it’s just full of ideas! Have you guys read it? There’s a whole part about this new kind of Apple TV, it’s amazing. And then the chapter about how to make the 15” MacBook Air work, I really couldn’t figure it out. Steve really was a unique talent in this industry.”

The book includes detailed schematics of the next three generations of the iPhone, iPod and iMac. No Mac Pro tower is detailed, but the book does specify that Apple will no longer be focusing on support for the professional market in the upcoming years. Ive continued to sing praises for the late Jobs’ biography: “It’s amazing that Steve was able to code much of OS X 10.8 Snow Lion and OS XI Brontosaurus, and it was just such a stroke of luck for us that Isaacson was able to print it all in this wonderful book. And I can’t tell you how relieved I am to be able to start some real work on the iBrain. According to the book, it’s going to be revolutionary.”

Walter Isaacson’s biography of Steve Jobs has been available for several months now, and includes Jobs’ favourite oatmeal cookie recipe as well as most of Apple’s banking information.

A new Apple television set has been the hotly debated subject of a number of rumors since the release of Steve Jobs’ biography this past month. There is a particular chapter in the book in which Jobs speaks of a new product:

“I’ve been secretly working on an Apple TV set.” Jobs told me in confidence. “It’s going to revolutionize the television industry in the most magical way possible. This baby is going to melt faces and make your brain explode.”

Unfortunately for Apple, it seems that the new Retina Display television set literally does melt faces in addition to causing other bodily harm to its viewers. Our insider has the scoop:

Apple is currently in the testing stage with the new Apple TV. It looks like it’s still going to be a while before it’s ready for release, though. Product testers have been complaining about headaches, nausea, temporary blindness, diarrhea, permanent blindness, heart attacks, nose failure, death, and cottonmouth. I heard that an entire test facility was destroyed when someone tried to AirPlay an iPhoto slideshow from an iPad 3 to the new Apple TV. It was devastating for the development team to have to go back and tweak their designs.

While the immediate cause of these minor afflictions is still unknown, many people are theorizing that the 15970 x 9780 display is just an unholy number of pixels not meant for mankind.

Stay locked on Apple Inquisition as we bring you the latest on Apple’s secret television projects / weapons.

It’s already one of the fastest selling books of the year, but it turns out that Walter Isaacson’s biography of Apple’s late CEO, Steve Jobs, is coming under fire for allegedly exaggerating some of the events of Jobs’ life.

Gregory Jamieson, who recently finished reading the book tells Apple Inquisition, “It’s 656 pages of… I don’t even know what.” Jamieson has always considered himself an Apple fan, but he, like many others, doesn’t know what to make of the new biography. “Most of the book is just some people talking about going to a fair. And then the parts that are actually about Jobs are a little unbelievable. I know he was a great innovator, but I think it’s pretty obvious that he did not cure cancer, as the book claims.”

“Several chapters were just old TV Guide listings,” nitpicked reader Mary Fleischmann, of Williamsburg, PA. “It was very confusing. Reading about his design inspirations for the original iPod was fascinating, but I was shocked to learn that he spent seven years in a wizarding school.”

Because Jobs led a very private life, many of the Isaacson’s accounts are difficult to verify. But if there is one message that we can take away from the book in which about a quarter of the pages are blank, it’s this: Steve Jobs made the dinosaurs extinct.

Stay tuned to Apple Inquisition for more shocking details of Steve Jobs’ fabulous life as they unravel.

Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs is making headlines again today announcing his brand new venture: developing and selling consumer electronics in space! Jobs himself addressed the media Friday morning:

I honestly can’t even believe that you guys are still sitting here talking about Earth. When I was leading Apple, I was always looking to the future for inspiration. This is exactly how I came up with revolutionary products such as the iPod and iPad. And now that I’ve left Apple because of their reluctance to fund my moon base, I am free to finally take us into the future. My highly controlled and surprisingly proprietary space colony should be ready for habitation by 2013. I know my space society won’t be as popular as living on Earth, but you will look really cool and make all of your friends jealous if you move there. And that’s the Steve Guarantee.

Jobs’ insane rant continued for another 45 minutes. We here at Apple Inquisition take comfort in the fact that Jobs’ reign of terror at Apple has finally come to an end as we usher in the new golden age of the benevolent Tim Cook.

[This post will be updated as we change our minds about whether we love or hate the space colony idea.]

Reader Sandy Henderfield sent the following message to Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ email address last week:

Dear Mr. Jobs:

I have been hearing a number of different rumors surrounding the impending release of a new, smaller iPhone. I just can’t make sense of what to believe out there, and the idea of a cloud-storage-based phone sounds a little far-fetched. Could you possibly divulge any information on this mysterious product?

Sincerely,

Sandy Henderfield

Jobs’ response?

Stay tuned.

Sent from my iPhone Nano 4GS

What could all of this mean? Stay tuned to Apple Inquisition throughout the coming months as we will tirelessly bring you detailed analysis of this correspondence.

Apple’s enigmatic on-again-off-again CEO Steve Jobs has once again taken a leave of absence from his company due to ongoing health issues. Many suspected that he was suffering from continuing medical setbacks that stem from his 2009 liver transplant. These suspicions were confirmed today in a letter in which Jobs addressed his employees:

While I am leaving  the company in good hands, I want everyone to know that they do not have to worry about me as my health issues are being taken care of as we speak. 

As you may know, in 2009, my original liver gave out because it was not strong enough to be a part of my superhuman body. And unfortunately, even the silverback gorilla liver that I had it replaced with has already worn itself out.

I am currently in the process of obtaining four or five brand new livers and will be returning to my duties as soon as possible.

Sent from my iPad 2

But what could Jobs possibly do with that many livers? Studies show that the average person only uses one liver at any given time. Our insider reminds us that Jobs is no ordinary man:

Of course he can’t have all five livers inside of him at the same time, but I have heard that he is planning on using at least two or three right from the start.

Jobs is expected to keep the unused livers on his veranda in a mini-fridge.