Posts tagged Jony Ive

Apple has announced the departure of iOS Chief and all-around terrible human being, Scott Forstall. Apple CEO Tim Cook made it official in a media release today: 

It is with great levity that we announce the departure of longtime Apple detractor, Scott Forstall. Hey Scott, thanks for Apple Maps. That really worked out great. Anybody remember Ping? Didn’t think so. Another real winner there, Scott. Way to go!

Cook’s sarcastic press statement went on to highlight many of the disasters Forstall caused during his tenure at Apple including the “servicable-at-best iTunes interface.” It was also announced today that the magnificent visionary Jony Ive would be taking over many of Forstall’s duties at the company. When contacted for comment, Ive’s remarks were highly ironic: 

The design team “really appreciated” his “ideas.” I honestly don’t know what the opposite of a Retina Display would be, and I really don’t know why you would want one on an iPad mini. We were always worlds apart when it came to design decisions. Scott was a big fan of skeuomorphic elements with ripped paper in iCal, spinning reels in the Podcasts app, and the leather-bound Find Your Friends app. I’m much more interested in beautiful design that is also functional and not awful.

Ive’s comments also granted insights into the early meetings about the iPhone 5, which would be one of the last times the pair would work together: 

I was adamant that the screen be taller, but still small enough for the user to reach across with their thumb. Scott actually wanted to put electrified spikes on the phone. It made no sense. I asked him, “Why do you want to physically harm the customer?” He would just scream at me for hours. I couldn’t believe the things he said and how homophobic it all was.

Forstall leaves Apple with a legacy of poor decisions that have irreparably crippled the once great company. He is also a known holocaust denier.

When Apple’s CEO and figurehead, Steve Jobs passed away this year, many feared that Apple would be left adrift without their creative leader. It is well known that Jobs himself had a firsthand role in the development of Apple’s most successful products.

“We honestly have just been sitting around for months with no idea what to do.” said Apple’s Senior VP of Industrial Design, Jony Ive this week. “But then I read the Steve Jobs biography, and it’s just full of ideas! Have you guys read it? There’s a whole part about this new kind of Apple TV, it’s amazing. And then the chapter about how to make the 15” MacBook Air work, I really couldn’t figure it out. Steve really was a unique talent in this industry.”

The book includes detailed schematics of the next three generations of the iPhone, iPod and iMac. No Mac Pro tower is detailed, but the book does specify that Apple will no longer be focusing on support for the professional market in the upcoming years. Ive continued to sing praises for the late Jobs’ biography: “It’s amazing that Steve was able to code much of OS X 10.8 Snow Lion and OS XI Brontosaurus, and it was just such a stroke of luck for us that Isaacson was able to print it all in this wonderful book. And I can’t tell you how relieved I am to be able to start some real work on the iBrain. According to the book, it’s going to be revolutionary.”

Walter Isaacson’s biography of Steve Jobs has been available for several months now, and includes Jobs’ favourite oatmeal cookie recipe as well as most of Apple’s banking information.

Speculation has been growing in recent weeks that Apple’s most magical and revolutionary designer, Jony Ive, will be leaving the company to return to his home country of Europe. Sadly, the rumors were confirmed today as Apple announced Ive’s successor: Johnny 5.

Our insider gives us the real scoop on this Apple newcomer and how he fits into the company’s plans for the future:

Apparently, Johnny 5 was the fifth prototype robot built by the U.S. military to fight the Soviets during the Cold War. When he was hit by lightning in an electrical storm, he “came to life” and turned his back on his destructive ways.

Apple says that they are very serious about his input with regards to the design of their entire lineup. The company hopes that, in this case, lightning does strike twice.

When reached for comment, Ive stated: “He’s a robot with the soul of a human just like me. I’m confident he will find success with Apple.” And we won’t have to wait long to see Johnny 5’s input as his newly designed iPad 3 is due to launch March 10th, one day before the iPad 2.